Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
