last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
