I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
