Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
