I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
