So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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