How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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