apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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