i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
