Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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