nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
