Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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