Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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