Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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