im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Randomize
