He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
