she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
