I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
