you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
