I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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