He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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