In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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