we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
