The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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