I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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