it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
