I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
