Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
