I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
