fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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