you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
