he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize