Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
