If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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