I seem to have left my pride at pride
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
