it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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