even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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