I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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