woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
