the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
