wanna go halves on a baby?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
