LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
