So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
