Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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