I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
