is your mom at the bar?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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