Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
