I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize