Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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