I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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