her vagine was all disorganized.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
