I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
